Two bass clefs walk into a bar and find…nothing but treble.
A wonderful cartoon by Scott Metzger.
Category: Humor
A collection of topically musical humorous writings.
Marriage Problems
After years of hiding the fact that the love is gone, the last child moved out of the house and Mom and Dad announced they are getting a divorce.
The kids are distraught and hired a marriage counselor as a last resort at keeping the parents together. The counselor works for hours, tries all of his methods, but the couple still won’t even talk to each other.
Gig Haiku
Jam session bassist
Observes fourteen soloists
Contemplates murder
Say, do you guys know
“Wedding Song” by Kenny G?
Buy the damn record
Top Ten Reasons to Hire Andy Eulau
- Won't steal your gig
- He looks and smells good.
- He has nice instruments and amps.
- Owns a car.
LaFrae’s Pearls
- “You know… bass players… Sometimes they got to go gardening. You know… root, root, root.”
- “Darling, you're Marble-less.”
Notes from the Bar
A C, E-flat, and a G go into a bar. The bartender says: “Sorry, but we don’t serve minors.” So the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.
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Jazzed
It was a balmy night out and I was feeling thelonious. I hadn’t had any tatum in so long I could have bixed a choir girl.
But I wouldn’t have to. The moment I entered the Luboff Lounge, the babe with the giant eubies fixed me with a “come duke me’ look. She uncrossed her legs and I could see almost all the way to birdland. I felt a tingle in my tito puente, and with a smile, I had her.
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The Curse of the Bass Player (A Cautionary Tale)
In the beginning there was a bass. It was a Fender. Probably a Precision, but it could have been a Jazz… nobody knows for sure. Anyway, it was very old… definitely pre-C.B.S.
And God looked down upon it and saw that it was good. He saw that it was very good and could not be improved upon although men would later try.
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The Sideman’s By-Laws (A Guide to the Outside)
- Never recommend anyone who plays better than you.
- Always suck up (leaders, bartenders, bride and/or groom, management, etc.)
- If you don't know it, play harmony.
- Double book, then choose.
- Always assume the leader knows nothing.
- Always degrade types of music you can't play or know nothing about.
- Always bring your own cards, and solicit during breaks.
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Musicians Are Funny People
They have:
- Notes they cannot cash.
- Bars they can't lean on.
- Scales that weigh nothing.
- Flats they can't live in.
- They are not policemen, yet they have their beats.